Several months ago I was on the outer banks of North Carolina, with 22 family members gathered for a week to celebrate the 50th anniversary of my husband’s parents. Fifty years! As a couples therapist I spend a lot of time thinking about marriages and relationships and why some last and some don’t. During this week of celebration, I was thinking about it even more than usual. I watched my in-laws as they interacted during the week. The thing that struck me the most is how kind they were with one another.
It wasn’t just the kind of kindness they might have displayed because of the circumstances. As I thought about their relationship over the past 20 years that I have known them, going back over every visit we’ve had together, I realized Jackie and Bruce (not their real names) always displayed this same kind of kindness and consideration. When on the road, if Jackie wanted to stop at yet another new quilting store she’s just found (her favorite hobby), Bruce would amiably agree to walk around the fabric store for an hour or two without complaint. When Bruce wanted to stop at yet another used bookstore to add to his collection, Jackie would accompany him without reservation. Even when not happy with one another, there was always that sense of respect and consideration for one another. When outside stress arose for one reason or another, they still managed to be thoughtful about how theytreated each other amid the stress.
My in-laws seem to understand intuitively what John Gottman, Ph.D, researcher on relationships at the University of Washington, has been researching and writing about for years. One of the key differences between couples who are happy and couples who split or remain together unhappily, is that happy couples have far more positive or neutral interactions during stressful times or during conflict than they do negative interactions. In other words, by showing each other a certain amount of consideration or kindness during stressful interactions, partners are able to keep from eroding the good feelings between them.
Gottman uses the term “positive sentiment override” to describe this process. He says that emotions in a relationship are like a thermostat. They have a set point to which they return when there is too much heat or too much cold air. If there has been a fight and it has gone badly but the emotions between partners are generally positive, the process will self-correct, the partners will get over the hurt quickly and the good feelings between them will be restored. If there is not an overall positive emotional setting in the relationship and fights are often destructive, then the set point is negative and the fight will continue to erode the relationship.
Another analogy is that of a savings account. If you have a large savings account (positive interactions, positive emotions), then even when you make a wishdrawal (a fight or destructive interaction), you will still be in the black and continued kind of positive interactions will act as additional deposits.
How big is your savings account? How often do you make deposits? Are your reserves already low and not sure how to get them higher?
There are three steps you can take to increasing your savings account. The first step: think about what is really important to your partner. If you are not sure, think about what are his or her most frequent complaints about you. Is it that you don’t say, “I love you?” Then make an effort to say it each day. Is it that you forget to enter the check in the checkbook register? Make a point of being meticulous about this each time you shop. Is it that you leave your dirty clothes on the floor? Then start putting your clothes directly into the hamper.
When was the last time you really looked into your partner’s eyes when you told them you loved them? When was the last time you really listened to your partner’s description of the day at work without interrupting, being distracted, or chiming in trying to fix the problem? Pick one or two of these areas for your own focus, or choose something else that is important to your partner.
These are not huge tasks; in time and energy they require little effort. Yet, if you do what you know is important to your partner that you haven’t been doing for some reason, and suddenly you take the small step to do one or two of those things, you will likely be surprised at the results. What it would mean to you if your partner did some of the things that were most important to you? Instead of waiting, be the first to make the deposits.
The second step: when you have a fight or disagreement, take a breath and manage your own feelings so you can avoid blaming, interrupting, defensiveness, name calling or contmptuous remarks. These tactics are tempting but destructive, and over time they really tear at the fabric of a relationship.
The third step: when one of you realizes the fight is not getting you anywhere except more angry, frustrated or hurt, take a planned time-out. Rather than letting the fight grow more destructive, agree to stop fighting to allow both of you to calm down (it takes at least 20 minutes to go from a state of emotional arousal to being calm again). You can return to the discussion at a mutually agreed upon time. Make sure you honor that agreement, and don’t forget to reinitiate the discussion or your partner will experience a lack of integrity on your part.
When you feel the subtle shifts in your relationship toward the positive, you will probably find that it will becomes easier and easier to make these deposits as your partner responds in kind. Start making your deposits today!
Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths
Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths
Being hit with the news that an affair is usually devastating and often turns the betrayed spouse’s world upside down. In a maelstrom of intense emotions, often people have difficulty thinking clearly and are at a loss as to how to begin to put the pieces of their shattered lives back together. Healing both yourself and your marriage (if you choose) are possible after an affair. However, myths about affairs abound and they often create more distress when going through this already difficult process. Here are the top 10 myths I have encountered about affairs. I have seen this kind of misinformation add pain and confusion where there was already plenty.
If the experience of an affair has, in some way, touched your life, I hope you will read on and clarify any misconceptions that have caused you or someone you love more hurt.
Myth #1
It is better to not talk about the affair Talking about it only makes you more upset, making it harder to get over it and move on with your life.
The Truth: Research shows that openly talking about the affair (with your spouse) is one of the most important factors in improving the relationship and aiding with healing. If you have a gangrenous wound you do not just wrap it up and act as everything is fine. You need to unwrap it and treat it.
Myth #2
It is better to not talk about the affair. Any additional information will just make it harder to forget it and get on with your life.
The Truth: Finding out your partner has had an affair is devastating and traumatic. You often feel as you do not know what is real anymore. The betrayed partner may begin to question everything that previously felt certain in life. The truth is, information about the affair helps the hurt partner reassemble the pieces to the puzzle that is their life. This is the first step in healing.
Myth #3
People have affairs because of sexual attraction.
Truth:
The pull of an affair has much more to do with feeling cherished and adored by a new love.
Often they only see the positive aspects of a person and miss the flaws that the spouse recognizes.
Myth #4
Most affairs end in divorce.
The Truth: More than half of marriages affected by an affair remain in tact. Some couples even report that their relationship is more intimate, honest and meaningful after the affair. Such couples take important steps toward healing the relationship.
Myth #5
Affairs happen because marriages are unhappy.
Affairs can and do happen in good marriages. They are usually more about sliding across boundaries than they are about love, especially when the affair started out as a friendship that grew in intensity.
Myth #6
You should just forget the affair and get on with your marriage.
The Truth: This is a harmful attitude not only because it is next too impossible, but also because betrayed partners end up feeling additional pain and guilt for not “handling it right.”
Myth #7
Affairs are usually just sexual in nature.
The Truth:
That was the most likely scenario in affairs of past decades. However, since the majority of modern day affairs tend to begin as work friendships which over time develop increasingly emotional intimacy, most affairs have an emotional component to them.
Myth: 8
Emotional Affairs (affairs where there has been no actual sexual involvement) are not really affairs.
The Truth:
Emotional affairs seem to create as much pain as affairs that have become sexual. This is true particularly if the betrayed spouse is a woman. Women experience more pain if their husband has had an affair that has involved emotional sharing than if it is just for sex. Men, on the other hand, tend to experience more pain if their wives have sexual affairs.
Myth #9
People have affairs because they are not getting enough sex in their marriage.
Truth:
It is usually the person who has the affair who is giving the least in the marriage. The spouse may actually be quite giving. The person who is least invested in the relationship is the one most at risk to stray.
Myth #10
The person who has an affair has no morals.
The Truth: More than 80% of marital partners who had an affair reported that they considered affairs wrong, and would never be the kind of person who would have an affair. They reported that they found themselves caught up in an emotional situation over which they then lost control. These days the beginnings of affairs may have more to do with sliding across boundaries than a calculated plan to deceive.
The statistics show that affairs effect over 30% of marriages. If you or someone you love has been impacted by the news of an affair I sincerely hope that the information here about false assumptions and the truth about affairs can help you or them begin on a road to less pain and healing.
How to Have an Affair with Your Girlfriend's Best Friend
You had a perfect relationship and a perfect life since a few days ago. You don't know what happened but for some time your relationship is passing throw a bad episode, because you and your girlfriend were not getting along anymore.
In any relationship things change after some time, it is not all as beautiful as it was from the beginning. Appear a lot of problems, misunderstandings and also many argue. Even if you love your partner very much, if you are arguing every day, after a while you are enough of all this and you may find the consolation you need in other part.
What happen if in some day you are very upset because you and your girlfriend were arguing again, so you decided to go in a club with your friends at a beer to calm down a little? But there she is: your girlfriend's best friend, a beautiful, sexy and available lady which sees you and get in talk with you.
You are talking with her about your girlfriend and how hard it is to understand with her in the last days, that you are not getting along anymore, that's why she upsets you every day. You are enough of all of this, and you need someone who understands you, love you as the way you are. She understands you and offers her help to get throw this.
She was flirting with you until the day you met her, but now it was her chance to get you. Because she is very beautiful you couldn't resist to her, and you spend that night with her, because she offered you the understanding you needed. You slept with her, but what's next?
You still love your partner and don't want to lose her. But the problem is that you don't know how to act in front of your girlfriend to not find out. It is true that you were drunk but this is not a great excuse to forgive you if she finds out. You just slept with her best friend; you really think that she will forgive you? I don't think so. So you've better speak with her friend and tell her that this was just an affair and it is all over now and she must keep the secret.
But what happens if she still uses all her seductive powers on you anytime she has the opportunity and tells you that she loves you from the day she saw you. She agrees with you that she wouldn't tell to your girlfriend about you two if you still accept to meet with her too. Let's say that you accept this, because you are too weak to end your relationship.
Here are some safety tips to follow if you want that your girlfriend to not find out about this: don't permit to your new friend to call you on your cell phone, you may buy a new number just known by her, don't tell at any friend of you about your affair, use always condoms to not have a bad surprise, and if your girlfriend has a suspicion about this, deny.
But you shouldn't play with fire. You love your actual girlfriend but the other is much attractive and sensual. You better think which you like most and make a choice. If you choose to keep your actual relationship, the best thing you can do is to try to not spend much time in the presence of the other, and definitely not stay alone with her somewhere. It may get worse.
Also, you know your girlfriend's best friend very well and it is common to discover that you and her have a lot in common as well, and the more time you spend together, the more attractive she becomes to you. If you discover that the feelings between you and her are very serious, you have a complicated situation in your hands.
The best thing you can do is to break up with your girlfriend, but not to tell her the real reason, say it that it doesn't work anymore; it will be tragic for her anyway so it is better to not find out that you are having an affair with her best friend. This means that you don't have to run in the other's arms after that, it is better that not make public your new relationship for now.
Having an affair is not something plan, it just happens. People decided to have an affair for many reasons: disappointment in the relationship, misunderstanding, also attraction, curiosity, excitement, risk or challenge.
By the way, you may find a beautiful woman at www.eBridex.com